


The Second Worst Day in Remus Lupin's Life

by anxiousgoat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Gen, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:01:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24374692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxiousgoat/pseuds/anxiousgoat
Summary: We all wonder why Remus Lupin never visited Harry while he was living with the Dursleys. But what if he did?
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin (past)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	The Second Worst Day in Remus Lupin's Life

You sit on a bench at the end of the road. Number four is right at the other end of Privet Drive. You can just see the garden gate from here. A well-dressed woman with a small dog on a lead gives you a hard, lip-curling stare as she passes you, and you know she thinks you don’t belong here.

You don’t.

This is a place with large identical houses, large regular gardens, large well-tended lawns, and large polished cars. It has wide pavements with trees embedded into them at regular intervals, and a little red dogshit bin on the corner.

You remember Sirius as a big black dog, taking a shit outside the gates of Malfoy Manor, and the two of you running off, giggling.

And you stare down the road again, trying to decide whether you should or you shouldn’t. 

Well, of course you should. Little Harry may not be your godson, but his godfather is locked up in Azkaban for the most heinous crime you can imagine. You still don’t know how Sirius could have done it. At first you thought it must have been a mistake, even a frame-up, but there’s no getting round the fact that Sirius, whom you loved more than anyone else in the world, was the Potters’ secret-keeper and therefore the willing betrayer of your two best friends and killer of the third.

You drag your mind back to Harry because thinking about Sirius hurts too much.

You really shouldn’t knock on that door. Harry doesn’t need you, not like this. Without your friends’ support it’s been much harder for you to find work or to look respectable. He is clearly well looked after, living in a big house with well-off people. Family, proper family, too. He will be well fed and well dressed, given everything he could possibly want. He doesn’t need you.

And anyway, you’re a monster.

Not just because you’re so desperately poor that sometimes you can barely afford to eat. Not because of your shameful shabbiness, either, even though that makes you feel hot and uncomfortable in this clean, salubrious neighbourhood. Not because you know you always look unhealthy and disreputable these days, somehow unwashed even though you aren’t. Oh no, you’re an actual, literal monster. You could kill Harry. Never mind that you wouldn’t, that you’d never ever go near him on wolf nights. You _could _.__

__But… well, you wouldn’t, though. Lily and James knew that. They welcomed you into their house, beamed as you cradled baby Harry in your arms, asked you to babysit him, even, all on your own. And he lives with Lily’s sister. She’s met you and everything, knows that Lily trusted you. You know about the difficulties between them, of course, but things are different now that Lily is dead and Harry is as good as Petunia’s son. Perhaps you could even offer to babysit both the boys._ _

__And the bottom line is that you want to do this. You want to meet Harry. You grieved for so long, stayed away because you didn’t feel ready, spent months gathering your courage to even come here. Yes, you want to. Harry must be old enough now that he’ll remember if you didn’t come, and you want to be there for him. Even if he doesn’t need you, perhaps he’ll like you. You smile at the thought._ _

__Before you can change your mind again, you stand up and set off down the street. You turn in through the gate and stride up the driveway, not letting yourself stop or think about what you’re doing, and then you’re rapping hard upon the gleaming front door._ _

__You take a step back, heart hammering, and wait._ _

__The door opens._ _

__You’re looking into the face of a slim woman with blonde hair and a frown. She inspects your face, purses her lips, and runs her eyes up and down you. You can tell she’s not impressed. The polite introduction you had planned dies on your lips, leaving your mouth dry and your brain empty of words._ _

__“Yes?” she says, sharply. You swallow, but it doesn’t seem to help. You swallow again, then clear your throat._ _

__“Good afternoon,” you begin. “You, um, probably don’t remind – remember me.”_ _

__You’re stumbling over the words. You pause and take a breath. Petunia says nothing, and you start again, more slowly this time, hoping you’re not saying the wrong things because you’ve forgotten the little speech you planned out beforehand._ _

__“I’m Remus Lupin,” you say, plastering what you think is a reassuring smile onto your face. “I’m a friend of Lily and James’s. I was hoping –”_ _

__You come to an abrupt halt, alarmed. Petunia has drawn herself up to her full height and turned absolutely rigid. If her lips were pursed before, now they’re barely even visible. Her face is pale and her eyes are – are quite frightening. You find yourself taking an instinctive step backwards._ _

__“How dare you?” she says. You blink at her, feeling like a rabbit hypnotised by a snake. “Leave my house immediately!”_ _

__You aren’t even in her house._ _

__“I’m so sorry,” you say. “Is this a bad time? I was just hoping to get to know Harry again.”_ _

__Suddenly her face is no longer pale: colour has rushed up it in a flood. She steps back into the house, glaring ferociously at you._ _

__“Your sort aren’t even supposed to know where we live! How dare you come here as though – as though you _belong? You will never come here again, do you hear me? Never! If you do, I shall know what to do about it. Now, get out!”__ _

___And the door slams._ _ _

___You stand there for a moment in sheer shock. You’re panting as though you’ve run a race. You – you don’t understand._ _ _

___Slowly, you turn and walk back down the drive._ _ _

___All right, perhaps you do understand, a little. She’s right that you don’t belong here. And although you knew Lily’s sister’s address from before, you also know that Dumbledore is trying to keep Harry’s whereabouts a secret. There are still Death Eaters around who were never caught, who might want to kill the little boy, or even kidnap him and raise him as one of themselves. It makes sense that Petunia would be afraid of anyone turning up at the door and saying they want to get to know Harry._ _ _

___As you walk, hunching your shoulders, towards the alleyway you apparated into when you arrived, you shake your head furiously. Idiot. You’ve fucked this up, just like you fuck up everything you try to do. You let yourself get bitten… you couldn’t keep your lycanthropy a secret at school… you can’t hold down a job… you never managed to get much information for the Order… you didn’t think Sirius would betray Lily and James even when you began to suspect he was a spy… you let them die… you let Peter die… you’re on the brink of homelessness… and now you’ve scared Lily’s poor sister so badly that she’ll never let you near the house again. Certainly nowhere near Harry._ _ _

___You were right before, this was a terrible idea. Harry doesn’t need you. You’ve had confirmation of that now. If nothing else, at least you know for sure that he will be safe, that Petunia will never, ever let anyone hurt him. At least he will grow up protected by Lily’s sister, who is as fearsome as Lily ever was. Yes, you do feel reassured, even as your heart thunders from shock and misery, even while the tears begin to leak down your face as you turn on the spot in the alleyway._ _ _

___By the time you reappear in your miniscule, unpleasant bedsit, you know you have made the right decision. You will stay away from little Harry._ _ _

___He’ll be just fine without you._ _ _


End file.
